Losing What You Desire: (aka) What do you miss about sex?

This is how i feel in this moment. A bear that's lost its honey. Ha.

Sex:
"Sexual intercourse, in its biological sense, is the act in which the male reproductive organ (in humans and other higher animals) enters the female reproductive tract, called copulation or coitus in other reference.^[1] The two entities may be of opposite sexes, or they may be hermaphroditic, as is the case with snails."

Obviously this definition is very narrow and a bit sexist, but we all get the point. We all know what sex is, and what it entails. Two people gettin it on, making eachother feel good and perhaps orgasm in the process.

However, sometimes its more -- sometimes the simple ACT of it feels better than the actual climax. Sex is not always an ends to a mean. It can be used to make you feel better, to cure loneliness, to express joy, to express love, there is break-up sex, make-up sex, angry sex, the act of making love, there is the act of fucking and there is of course -- sex for the sake of sex.

Personally, the most amazing moments i've had with someone was when i felt completely comfortable and able to lose myself in them. That sort of feeling only comes when i'm in love with someone. Of course, gratuitous-sex has its redeeming points too... its a great stress reliever and ego-booster.

What i want to ask you all though is; what is your favorite thing about sex? Or, if it's but a distant memory -- what do you miss most about sex?

I have the libido of a 13 year-old boy and i would be in heaven if i could have it at least twice a day, but honestly what i miss most is the actual intimacy.

I miss feeling close to someone. The actual orgasm isnt too important too me, though im not going to lie and say that it isnt amazing when it happens.
I miss nails on my back, feeling warm skin against my own. I miss feeling desired in every sense. I miss feeling seductive and in control. I miss feeling seduced and out of control. I miss the feeling of breath on my skin and rumbling in my ears. I miss the taste of skin, the taste of sex, the way pupils dialate seconds before they cum, i miss kissing and hair pulling, biting. I miss having concealed marks on my body of intimate moments for days after they initially happen. i miss getting lost in someone and them losing themselves in me.
i miss feeling them shake and finally relax in my arms, then listening to their breath and heartbeat slow to a low hum.
I miss feeling someone touch my skin and give me goosebumps.
I miss drifting off to a peaceful sleep together.


So, share with me. Let us all live vicariously through each other.

Tandem Time!

big news!
i've managed to sucker a friend of mine into contributing on this very awesome blog. She will be writing about everything and anything that causes her even the mildest of inconveniences.

She's sharp, witty, hilarious and fabulous -- only what you've come to expect from me.

Welcome Meaghan, God have mercy on your soul.

Wisdom?

"Im tired of being in love with an idea, and not being able to keep up with how fast the idea is changing."

hm.

Aside from that, im a neglectful bitch in regards to this blog but hey, im trying.
i will soon be relocating back to california and i'll be moving to Inglewood because im keepin it realzzzz.

actually its because im poor. very poor.
Being a writer is a pretty thankless job.

i will return soon with wit and great stories about insane people that cross my path.

(De)spite

Everyone wants me. I don't say it in a conceited manner, no -- it is just a matter of fact, much like our ability to turn oxygen into carbon-dioxide and that the entire universe is based on simple mathematical principles. See, fact. Granted, i understand that despite my argument some of you may still feel that i'm being pretentious or even self-involved, but that's not fair. You don't judge a peacock for showing its beautiful feathers, or a lion for being proud of it's majestic mane. Shouldn't i get the same level of understanding and respect?

Throughout my life i've been admired for my beauty. Its true -- even from the moment that i emerged from my mother's womb like a ray of light cast down directly from heaven and made the doctors gasp at my perfection. As a child, i had constant admirers ask if they could hold me and television executives approach me, begging my parents to let me star in their newest hit sitcom. Fortunately, my parents were loving and understood that fame has a way of eating you up and spitting out a mangled version of what went in, and they never wanted anything to tarnish my striking image, so they helped me lead a normal life. Or at least as normal as someone who is constantly stared at could lead.

Things changed a little once i became an adolescent and a young adult, for at that point i began to be courted by potential love interests and my parents became a little obsessive about "protecting" me from the outside world. They went so far as to once fake my own death so that others -- except for necrophiliacs -- would be deterred from pursuing a romantic relationship with me. I was a little upset at them when they did it, but of course understood, i mean i'm gorgeous. Girls, boys, women, men, they all flocked to me and showered me with words, gifts and fierce adoration. Strangely, even after my parents conceded themselves to the fact that hiding me from the world would be not only a disservice to others, but also a downright sin and agreed to let me date whom i deemed as worthy, i was indifferent to any and every suitor.

Now, don't get me wrong, my hormones were revved and ready for action -- leading me into various beds and bathroom stalls with various models, celebrities and people of that caliber (incidentally, Kate Moss developed that nasty coke habit after our break-up during which i may have mentioned that she could stand to lose some weight.) but somehow i always felt empty. No matter how many notches i had on my bed post, or how many people fell at my feet, i was unsatisfied and lonely. I asked my father for advice, telling him that i felt empty and robotic when it came to matters of the heart. His response was one that is clear in my mind, even today: "You are a work of art, darling. Art is meant to be loved and admired -- but art cannot love back."

With such sound advice under my belt, i proceeded to romance every person that i wished. At times it led me to sticky situations like being found in Shannyn Sossamon's arms by Angelina Jolie (both whom, interestingly enough, i had been compared to in looks but had been told by both that they wished they looked like me.) but fortunately Angie is not only an adventurer and philanthropist in real life, but in bed as well and was more than happy to pleasure Shannyn and I. Usually, situations where one lover found out about another lover turned out pretty well for me. Not to say that i was a cheater but it is selfish and foolish to think that anyone has the right to keep me to themselves. If my parents could learn to let me go, so could others. In fact, when Justin found out about Britney and I -- proceeding to break up with her and write that ridiculous song -- i did Britney a solid and managed to seduce him after one of his shows on tour. He tells me now that it was at that very moment that he finally understood what Britney had gone through. Unfortunately, it is too late for them, but nobody can say that i didn't try to do my part.

I was resigned to my very natural state of loneliness, satisfied with spending the rest of my life sharing myself with those who needed me. However, it wasn't until i was in college, on a trip to Los Angeles to meet with an agent from Ford Modeling Agency to smooth some ruffled feathers and explain why i had once again turned down their offer for a modeling contract, that i experienced something entirely different. After finishing my lecture at UCLA on the Imperial Temptation of America in a World of Liberal-Minds, Religious Extremists and Neo-Conservatives (as my brains match, if not surpass, my beauty) and meeting Lindsay Lohan for early dinner at Urth Cafe to give her tips on how to properly apply self-tanner without getting the orange glow that she had been sporting recently -- i stopped in to a club in West Hollywood to say hello to a few friends and shake a few hands. As i stood at the bar, i felt a tap on my shoulder and turned around, fully expecting some girl or guy about to ask if they could buy me a drink, but instead found a confused gay guy staring blankly at me, then finally asking if i would meet his friend who apparently thought i was really cute.
Now, i wasn't turned off by the fact that his friend didn't even have the courage to step up to me themselves, or even the fact that he hadn't offered to buy me a drink before starting a conversation, but i was offended and immediately cringed at being called "cute."

I looked beyond the strange gay boy to a nervous looking girl behind him and felt my jaw drop, then felt my heart hit the floor right on top of it. I had never seen anyone so gorgeous. My stomach did a somersault worthy of the Olympics and my palms immediately began to sweat. I approached her and made some small talk before we had to part ways. We exchanged phone numbers, smiles and backward-glances as she made her way out of the club. Her green eyes bore holes through me and her smile made me feel lighter than any drug i had ever tried. I had to make her mine.

I waited the appropriate 24 hours before calling and scheduling a date for that Sunday, two days before my departure to New York to meet with Donald and discuss the architectural add-ons to the Trump Towers. As Sunday arrived i found myself feeling strangely anxious, but i figured it was just an upset stomach due to my "bananas only" diet that had been confided to me by Halle Berry and had left me feeling somewhat constipated. As it got closer to the hour i had said i would pick her up, my stomach started doing flips again and my palms began to sweat. By the time i was at her front door, i was positively nauseous. I feared i was pregnant again -- "God damn it, Beckham, i am going to kick you in the balls the next time i see you." i grumbled. Shrugging, i told myself that he would have to pay for the abortion this time.
As i rang the doorbell, my heart raced, almost purring in my chest to match the sound of my Corvette in the background. Dim light streamed out of the crack in the door, then poured out as it gently opened, revealing a sight that made my heart stop completely. Standing in the doorway, showered by soft light she stood in heels, perfectly fitting jeans, a black peacoat and her hair falling perfectly over her shoulders. Unable to complete a rational thought, i stood in silence until she came forward and hugged me hello, her smell immediately intoxicating me -- rendering me immobile. I felt her look at me curiously, causing me to snap out of it and lead her into my car. I turned proudly to see what would inevitably be her impressed face at my Corvette, but instead i was met with a smile and an eager sentence: "So! Where're we goin?"

I must admit, i was taken aback by her indifference to my $100,000 car, but figured that perhaps automobiles weren't exactly her strong-suit. I told her that i had made reservations at Musso & Frank's or that we could stop by one of Ashton's restaurants and catch a bite to eat and perhaps some champagne. She shrugged indifferently and said that she had been to Hollywood enough for the week and had a better idea. Taking over the driver's seat, she sped down the road, switching gears like a pro. "This girl is unlike anyone i've ever met." i thought to myself. Too busy watching her fingers wrap around the shifter and caress the steering wheel, i hardly noticed when we pulled into a fairly empty parking lot.

"Albertsons??? You're kidding. What are we doing here??"

"This is a place where people come to buy sustenance for day-to-day survival." She laughed,
"and booze." she added, smiling.

We walked in and agreed on two bottles of champagne -- one $9 bottle, the other a $45 bottle. Then we went our separate ways in the store, each picking out one or two pieces of groceries that we thought the other person would like. Cute. Very cute. I was definitely confounded -- this girl seemed to be genuinely enjoying my company, yet she had not yet told me how bad she wanted to fuck me. I began to feel nervous and insecure, maybe i was losing it. I decided to step it up a notch.

As i reclaimed my place in the driver's seat, i turned to her and said that it was my turn for an idea and hoped that she didn't have any plans the following day, and before she could protest i sped off into the desert.
A couple of hours later we arrived in Palm Springs and pulled up to one of my many getaway homes -- this one in particular was especially designed to impress and charm the pants off anybody. Figuratively and literally. I gave her a tour of my home, taking special care to show off my hot-tub, triple-head shower, and california king-sized bed that just begged to be rolled around in. She smiled at me and asked if i was hungry. Hoping that she meant to cover me with whipped cream, i quickly said yes, but was disappointed when she led me to the backyard, setting our food and drink at a table by the pool. Reclining comfortably in one of the chairs, she popped open one of the bottles and laid out our fruits and cheese (she had chosen perfectly) and began to ask me about myself. I quickly went into my speech about my life, dropping names wherever appropriate, and talking about my life in the LA club scene. "Thats cool and all, but im sure that's not what you really want to do. What is it that you love? What makes you passionate?"

And just like that, everything changed. A person i had known for hours asked me a question that people who had known me for years had never even thought of bringing up. I stared at her and began to tell her everything. I hoped to one day work with the United Nations or the World Health Organization and as a reporter for Time Magazine or whatever periodical had reached that magnitude by the time i had my degree in journalism. I told her every dark thought and every fear i had -- feelings i had never validated came rushing to the surface and i began to ask her questions about herself, and about her past.
As we got into the topic of relationships, she mentioned that she did not believe that cheating was right under any circumstance -- as someone who had been cheated on, she was determined never to put anyone through it.
"I couldn't ever imagine anyone cheating on you."
And for the first time, i meant every word. No trace of facetiousness or rehearsed lines.

I couldn't take it. "I'm sorry, i have to do this." i took her hands in mine and leaned in to kiss her. I felt her smile and kiss me back, deepening and lengthening the kiss, wrapping her arms around me, one of her hands finding its place at the nape of my neck and gently gripping my hair, causing my knees to lock and my entire world to turn upside-down.
I led her into my bedroom, never breaking contact, and we tore eachother's clothes off, white comforters strewn all over the floor, soon joined by various articles of clothing. She kissed me with an intent and intensity that i had never felt before. i looked up at her as she sat naked at my hip-level and asked her to not move for one second. I couldn't believe it -- she was perfect. More beautiful than anything i could've ever imagined. Her dark hair flowed gently over her shoulders and covered part of her chest, her stomach and hips shaped as if they had been made for me alone, and her skin glowed under the desert moonlight streaming in, creating the perfect silhouette. Every mountain and valley of her body was breathtaking.
Though her lips did not turn upward, i could feel her eyes smiling back at me, filling me up with an emotion i couldn't describe. She traced her fingers over my face, chest, stomach -- drawing lazy circles as she sat over me, almost memorizing my curves. Finally i felt her weight shift down on top of me and lost my breath when i felt her lips land on mine again, as she kissed me unlike i had ever been kissed before. She looked into my eyes and kissed me on the forehead, and told me that i had the softest skin she had ever touched.

In that moment, i was no longer empty. I became hers. And in every moment that followed, from the night of lovemaking that i will forever remember as the night that i was finally understood -- up to the moment -- a year and a half later -- that we parted ways for the last time -- our geographical distance finally getting the best of us, of her; and every beautiful moment in between.

She was a work of art. She taught me love.

Perhaps my father was wrong -- maybe, if a work of art is given enough love and understanding, it will develop an entity and meaning outside of being a simple work of art and will indeed be able to love you back.

Like everything real in my life though, she's gone now and i'm left trying to fill the hole that is ever-present after being stitched up, then ripped open -- left raw once again.

Fuck it, at least when i look in the mirror i can say to myself:
Everyone wants me.

In Preparation for the Oscars

Here is my favorite woman in Hollywood, Betty White.

The BIG Gesture

first, to everyone thats been leaving me comments, thank you and i promise ill get back to you soon. Ive just been having an extremely rough few weeks and tonight is shaping up to be the worst yet.

But thats not what im here to talk about. 

I want to talk about ultimatums and the big gesture...

im sure you all know what i mean by ultimatums, but when i say "the big gesture" i mean that something that you do for the person you love or care about. The BIG something. The single act in your life/relationship where you put everything on the line just to be with that other person.

Whether its to quit your job in order to be with them, to take care of them when they're sick, to move to another city for them or to give up something that means a lot to you only because they mean that much more to you.

so, i sit here and ask... what are some of the big gestures you've done for someone else?

and

what do you think of ultimatums -- yay or nay? A way to open up someone else's eyes, or a great way to destroy any chance of a relationship's survival?

tell me your tales and opinions...

Lesbian Advice for the Straight Guy: Episode 1

    First off i'd like to say thanks to everyone who submitted their questions for this first episode. I hope i dont fail you miserably, but if i do, then i'll just blame it on you guys for sending me questions i sucked at answering.

    Okay, so to set this off right, i guess i'll introduce myself a little bit. I'm 22 years old, currently living in Seattle, but working on moving back to Los Angeles in May. I've been dating girls since i was 16 and, up until recently, my motto seemed to be "quantity over quality." 

    Needless to say, ive got a pretty decently sized network of ex-girlfriends and ex-whatever-you-wanna-call-em's . Through all of my experiences i like to think i've gained not only insight into the female psyche but also learned how to charm my way into any girl's heart (or pants, whatever the situation called for) -- of course, since then ive renounced my "heart-breaker" ways (as i had my heart broken enough times to realize, its not a fun feeling) but i figure that i should at least share some of the secrets to success.

    A disclaimer though, there is NO secret recipe to love. Lust, yes, but love is much trickier. Love is pure and therefore cannot be imitated by a series of smiles and charming remarks. 

Also, this is not a guide on how to be an asshole and fuck every girl you see (karma is a bitch, trust me. And hell hath no fury like a woman scorned) -- i wouldnt dream of putting other women through that, but this is sort of a "spark notes" guide to at least breaking the ice and making guys realize that dating is not nearly as terrifying as it may seem. 

Alright, on to the fun!

Mentalthreesixty asks:

Q: "I'm an almost 27, single, male, straight guy who is exponentially getting more and more tired of typical night life, and is very shy about breaking the ice, and likes eccentric women. What you got for me?"

    Okay, so you're getting tired of the typical night life -- that's good. The typical night life is overrated and despite popular opinion, it is one of the worst places you can go to meet anyone of substance. Think about it; if you were to meet that "someone" you've been waiting for, do you really want your first interactions to be inebriated ones that you'll barely recall the next day? I actually also find that women at bars/clubs are far more unreceptive to advances than they would be in a regular everyday setting. It seems that they want every guy to "prove themselves" to them, and show why they're better than any of the other guys in the bar. This is a turn-off. I dont give a damn what a girl looks like -- if she's stuck up, she is not worth my time, nor is she worth yours.

    

    The best advice i've got for you is get involved in something you like, whether its a midnight bicycle ride around the city (most cities have em, look it up), or to a local farmer's market.. etc. Something that creates a social atmosphere but not a competitive one. And also think about what kind of women you like -- if you like artists or musicians, you probably wont have much luck meeting them at a sports event. Likewise, if you like yoga-oriented-nouveau-hippie girls, you probably wont meet them at a local BBQ. 

    So just go ahead and explore -- do all of the things that you've wanted to do but never had the time for due to your "night life" schedule. And once you see a girl you like, smile and be genuine with her. 

    This is very important, are you paying attention?? -- BE GENUINE. 

    Women can smell when you're lying. If you like her hair or clothes, tell her. If she does something funny, laugh and try to keep the joke going. Women respond to someone who can make them laugh more than someone who throws compliment after compliment at them.

Nico asks:

Q:    When "picking up" or "breaking the ice", we all know nothing really beats "hello," instead of the run-of-the-mill-and-yet-lame-nonetheless pick-up lines (eg., "Did you just fall from heaven? Because I'm a necrophiliac."). My question is - once you get a girl's attention by greeting her in a very non-threatening way, how do you keep her attention and start a conversation? Sometimes, girls will just say "hello" back and turn the other direction, effectively killing the conversation -- if she doesn't... well, what do you say now? Something clever? Something funny? Something irrelevant?

    Good question, Nico. I've found that the best way to keep a girl's attention is to make her smile. A man that can make a girl laugh is someone that is guaranteed at least the opportunity of getting her name. Now, when i say "make her laugh" i don't mean tell a knock-knock joke, i mean say something relevant ("wow. this music is... something..." or "i think the bartender is trying to rack up some good tips by making everyone blackout.") something along the lines of your own sense of humor. Something important to remember is, be yourself. I know its super cheesy and something your own parents probably told you before your 8th grade dance, but its true. If someone is going to like you, it should be for you. Now, again, if you only want to sleep with the girl, then thats another thing (but thats not the question you asked, so i digress...)

   Smile at her, keep your body language open, and if you want you can offer your hand as you introduce yourself. Be honest. If this is your first time at the location, tell her. "This is my first time here, i actually didn't really know what to expect." and she'll invariably say "oh really?" then you can go on to say where you usually go or what you usually do... there you go, you've now progressed into the 2nd stage of conversation without even noticing. Now you guys can figure out if you have anything in common or anything. Remember Nico, chicks LOVE musicians. Work that angle. Keep it honest, keep it light and save the "you are so beautiful" stuff for the 2nd date.

Feels Like A Dude asks:

Q: "what do you do when the "fake it, its impressive" tact just don't work when you hit on girl photographer who reads too many philosophy books and you just couldn't care less?
What do you do when gf want to talk about "emotions" and you suddenly feels like a married dude being tortured by wife of a life time?
what do you do with beautiful girls who don't trust you when you say they're hot, then don't trust you just the same when you say you don't care that they're hot?"

Wow. Okay. I'll take yours step by step.

1) "fake it, its impressive" is a douche-bag approach. It takes a particular breed of insecure to feel like they have to lie all through their first interaction. Even if its just to pick up a girl for a one night stand (and if that's the case, you MUST make it clear that a one night stand is all you're interested in). Like i've said above, girls can smell when you're lying. 

2) If you dont care what she has to say, don't waste her time, or yours. Go hit on someone who will at least have something good to say post-coitus. 

3) If your girlfriend wants to talk about emotions (why did you put those in quotations? do you understand the correct usage of quotations?) then its obviously because there's something on her mind. Again, if you dont care what she has to say the you have no business being with her. Move on and let her find someone who's not an asshole and go find yourself a mute girl.

4) Most women i've met have no idea how to take a compliment, so really there is nothing you can do. If you tell them that they're beautiful (and actually mean it) and they say something along the lines of "no.... i hate my _____", tell them that they should never talk down on themselves. Then point out your favorite feature about them, whether its the shade of their eyes, their smile, the way their hair falls etc...

a specific compliment always sounds better than a general one.

5) if a girl doesnt believe you when you tell her that you dont care what she looks like its because you're full of shit. Nobody dates anyone without at least thinking that they're hot. Its the foundation of an attraction.

Dont lie and don't be an idiot, then you'll be fine.

Jack asks:

Q: "I had a first date, not really interested in anything more. Do I need to call her and explicitly state this or is it ok for just to not say anything?"

In this situation its just best to wait and see if she calls or expresses an interest in a second date. If this is the case, then its best to tell her that its important for you to be honest (because this makes her understand that you dont want to hurt her, not that you're being an asshole or that she's hideous or something) and that even though you had a really fun time on your date, you felt that the two of you had more of a "friends" vibe together than a romantic vibe.

Even if you dont want to be friends with her, dont worry because odds are that regardless of anything you say, her ego will be bruised and she wont want to be just friends with you anyway.

But this is a nice way to let her down.

James asks:

Q: "I'd like to know your thoughts on how you know when someone is interested in you, as opposed to just being friendly.

On the flip side how do you let someone know your interested in them without coming across as full of yourself or a creep."

I like this question because its something i actually used to struggle with and sometimes still get confused by, but a safe bet is to follow these general guidelines..

• if they find reasons to touch you or brush up against you at moments that physical touch isnt necessary. 
• If they playfully hit you on the arm.
• If eye contact lingers longer than necessary.
• If you both find each other smiling at each other for no reason.
• If they tease you playfully or create playful banter between the two of you.
• If they fidget with something when you're around.

If some or all of those things apply to your situation then the person is probably interested in you and not just being friendly. If you're still unsure and you like this certain person, then just ask them out for some coffee by the beach or by a lake and spend a bit of time with each other. It wont really seem like a date if they're not interested (it'd be more like just two people hanging out) but if they ARE interested, then it would be a nice light first date to just hang out and get to know each other without expectations.

As far as showing someone that you're interested without being a sleaze-ball -- its simple. 

Look her in the eyes, pay attention to the things she says and respond accordingly. Dont imagine what her body looks like or what her lips would feel like. Dont have a conversation in your head -- be in the present. Smile and keep conversation very innocent. Dont tell her that you think she is beautiful because odds are, she is, and she's heard it before. Dont go out of your way to be original -- being yourself should be enough. If you're in a loud area and opportunity arises, lean in to her ear to talk to her, but (obviously) dont touch her ear with your lips (because you're a stranger, and thats creepy) -- and as you're doing this, put your hand a little above the small of her back (the reason i say above the small of her back is because it shows that you're interested but very respectful because the small of a woman's back is a very private zone.) to show ensure that you have eachother's full attention. Again, always remind yourself that you have NOTHING to prove to anyone. (this will keep you from sounding conceited or coming off sleazy.)

Now there's more/different advice when you're beyond the "first encounter" and in the slightly more difficult position of "friend limbo", which is where you're walking the fine line between being a dating possibility and being stuck in friend-land.

IF thats the case, let me know and ill dedicate a whole blog to this question. (yes, its THAT much of an issue.)

moving onnnnnn....

D asks:

Q: "what might be a good way to break ice with someone you don't know...i've seen friends run into what i think is just a natural defensive wall, that in some cases falls away when the guy doesn't act like an ass...but sometimes thos walls persist just due to awkwardness or nerves. any tips?

how much 'nice guy' is too much 'nice guy'?

since you're a woman, it's hard not to ask you to share sex-tip insights...i mean...you know how it feels, which is an unfair advantage:)"

Okay, since ive already answered the first part of the question, just scroll up and you'll find exactly what you're looking for.

How much nice-guy is too much: A good way to be nice, but not make her think that you're her new BFF is to obviously be nice, make her smile, make her laugh, make conversation -- but for example when you open doors for her, gently put your hand on her back and lead her in. When conversation lingers make sure to maintain eye contact and smile (which will undoubtedly make her look away blushing, to which you can playfully ask why she's blushing). Offer to pay for things and if she offers to pay tell her that her money is no good when she's in your company. Offer her your coat if she gets cold and if she says that she doesn't want you to be cold too then just say that she can even things out by holding your arm.
See, there is a way to be a gentleman and be nice but also add a certain level of flirtatiousness to it. Lightheartedness is KEY. 

And as far as the sex tips... my god. That is a broad question.

Sex is actually one of the simplest but most fulfilling acts that we are able to take part in. There is no magic-move that will make every girl go crazy. Every woman is different, and every woman responds differently to different touches. 

This is VERY important to remember when going into it.

Dont skip the foreplay. Actually, this (in my opinion) is the best part. Its where you get to explore her body and see what makes her tick. This should be a great experience. Let your hands run over every inch of her body, kiss her neck and see if that makes her shudder, bite her lips, pull her tightly into you, listen to her breathing quicken and her pulse double in tempo. 

The foreplay can be as gentle or as passionate as you (and she) want it to be. Pay attention to her and play off her reactions. 

The actual act of fucking is great, but its the path to it that will have her coming (and coming) back for more. 

Always pay attention to her and dont get frustrated if she takes a long time to orgasm. I can almost guarantee you that it would have NOTHING to do with you. Some women just take longer than others. Keep at it and listen to her, watch her. You will know exactly what to do.

Chris asks

how can I stop this:

girl: What are you thinking about?

me: [trying to think of something clever to say, and then failing] "uh, nothing."

girl: [convinced my brain was doing something] "No, really, what was it? You can tell me."

me: "Uh, really, I wasn't thinking about anything. My brain was actually, for about 3 minutes, devoid of any real thoughts."

girl: [now upset because she thinks I'm hiding my thoughts from her] "Why don't you express yourself more with me???

me: [accepting defeat, and thus making something up] "Well, there was this one thing..."

This seriously made me laugh out loud because ive been on both ends so many times (sue me, im still a woman at the end of the day). 

The answer is simple here. Its pretty obvious that your girlfriend either feels that you dont express your feelings enough, or there is something that she wants you to say.

Here is what you do:

Tell her that when you say that you're not thinking anything, that its not that you're hiding your feelings or anything. Its just that when you're completely content, there is no reason for your brain to be working. You are happy just being with her and being in the moment. You dont need thoughts to process that emotion. 

and if shes still unsatisfied with that,

ask her if there is anything specific on her mind or anything that she wants to talk about. Maybe she has something she wants to say to you but she cant find the right words or opportunity.

good luck :)

Mi Neurosis asks:

Q: "What I’d like to know is why it’s okay for a girl (i.e. my girlfriend) to laugh and carry on with her male colleagues and acquaintances but a man (i.e. ME) can’t do the same with his female counterparts? Ah?

I can’t seem to negotiate the difference between the two—but my girlfriend sure can.

Also, I really hope this problem isn’t unique to my relationship."

Rest easy, my friend. You are not alone. 

This is actually a serious conversation that you need to have with your girlfriend. Because the roots of this problem stem from trust-issues. Is she threatened by the females in your life? Are you threatened by the males in her life? Obviously since you seem to be okay with her carrying on with her male colleagues, then she needs to return that same trust in your direction and not only give you the benefit of the doubt but also be secure enough in what you two have to know that at the end of the night you'll be coming home to her (in the proverbial sense.) 

Double-standards arent fair, and im a firm believer in the fact that couples should be equals and on level playing fields. 

Ask her if she trusts you and then go from there.

Ashley asks:

Q: "have you lived in the NW your whole life or just for school?"

Nope! Actually ive only lived in the Pacific Northwest for two years now. Prior to that i lived in California for almost 8 years -- before that i lived in canada for 7, and i was born in Colombia and lived there for 6 years. :)

I miss California and couldnt be more excited to move back!

I'm Not Dead

No, no, but i may as well be.

I'm currently in the process of compiling all of the questions for my "lesbo advice for the straight guy" column, but am also swamped with reading/homework for my Philosophy class. 

Oh joyous textbooks, how i love thee.

BUT fear not, my radtastic readers (alliteration, holla) for i will return very soon with more rants than you'll know what to do with.

Until then, if ANYONE has any questions for me, (after all...im a pretty hilarious advice-giver) feel free to send em my way and they'll be included in the first edition.

Much love.

also, has anyone seen the Sun?? If you happen to see it, could you please tell it to stop by Seattle? The kids are asking where it is. And it owes me child support.

God Bless The American Public School System

Direct product of the "no child left behind" policy. Thank you Mr Bush.

If you wanna bump, she'll bump.

Tune in tomorrow for my first installment of (what i hope will be) the series "Lesbian's Advice For Straight Guys"

Also, if anyone out there has questions about women, what they think/want/etc etc, feel free to send it my way (via comment) and i will be more than happy to give you the best response i can using my phenomenally accurate insight. (And even THAT isnt enough sometimes.)

alright, rawk.

And Now For Something Not Sappy -- My Favorite Things (right now...)

Is your brain on overload with all of the presidential race hullaballoo?? Have no idea who to vote for, and are you willing to let a machine make a crucial decision for you? Then look no further...

A Blind Candidate Taste Test of sorts. Like all of those ever-popular dating websites, this little quiz will match you with the candidate that is just right for you. (Then you can continue on the road to victory together. Huzzah.)

Mine were Hill-Dawg, and Mike Gravel (strangely enough).

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In honor of the upcoming Oscars and Hollywood's latest obsession with all things black-and-white or technicolor:

I am proud to present this video i found on College Humor -- the cast of Spongebob Squarepants beautifully dubbing over film classics.

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Ellen Page - not only is she an incredible actress (see: Juno, Hard Candy and Mouth to Mouth), witty, hilarious, charming, gracious, sweet and beautiful; she's managed to keep a totally level head on her shoulders and remain the girl that you would love to be best friends with. (Then tearfully confess your undying love to during a drunken night at some house party.)

The following is a collection of funny interviews that make me laugh even when im having the shittiest of days.

Ellen on Letterman. I love her storytelling skills and the fact that its clear that she has no idea how to walk around in heels. (like me, yay!)

Ellen on BestWeekEver.tv -- radtastic

i laughed out loud. I want to be her BFF.

Awkwarddddd <33

okay. im not obsessed, i swear.

no, i lied. 

ha kidding, i am.

just jokes.

okay.

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Once, the movie.

A beautifully done film about two musicians that meet in Ireland and develop a friendship that teaches them that sometimes all you really need is a friend, despite what you may think you want.

This film makes me cry like a baby, not only because of the storyline but because of the complete honesty with which its done. The soundtrack is also made up of amazing, moving songs, some of which i feel are the most beautiful and raw that ive ever heard.

Heres a couple of the scenes taken out of context. i URGE you to watch it.

"Falling Slowly"

"When Your Mind's Made Up"

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that concludes my first list of "My Favorite Things". Tune in next time, for the exciting continuation of things that you should like too! 

Until then kids, stay in school!